sirmitchell:

Eirik Solheim took 3888 images over the span of a year and combined them into this amazing photo.

This is why I hustle every day.

Natalie Dee gets me.

Run away from me baby, run away. Why can’t you just run away?

My Favstar leaderboard never changes any more. Frankly, I’m sick of it. So I’ve decided to keep my own list of some of the best tweets that didn’t get the stars to make the cut. Here they are.

1. Question for Catholics: what is nunnilingus? (July 21, 2009)
2. Cat typed 766 walking over the keyboard. Cats are basically just furry, illiterate Satanists. Having one is like living with Ozzy Osbourne. (August 14, 2009)
3. No, I am not “trying to dance.” It’s called white man’s epilepsy. It’s actually pretty serious, you guys. (September 13, 2009)
4. Every time I knock something over, I shout, “Hulk smash!” It’s surprisingly empowering when you’re very clumsy. (September 16, 2009)
5. Is it wrong that when I watch Dora the Explorer I always assume she has a condom full of coke stashed in her twat? (September 21, 2009)
6. Guess what? It’s talk like a ninja day! So just… shut up. (October 29, 2009)
7. I get so confused when life hands me melons. (May 14, 2010)
8. Porn confuses me. Why would anyone need a whole dumpster just for cum? Can’t you compost cum? (June 16, 2010)
9. I just marked this toilet seat as my territory. (July 2, 2010)
10. I am a genius. I have just invented the gin-and-juicebox. (August 19, 2010)
11. It’s not the haters on Twitter that bother me. It’s the hatters. I’m not interested in some stupid fedora. But I guess hatters gonna hat. (August 29, 2010)
12. I often find myself asking the cats, “What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?” And then I realized the answer is, “All of it.” (November 7, 2010)
13. Every time my girlfriend dumps her paintbrush water in the toilet, I think I have a new kidney disease. (November 14, 2010)
14. The most important words in the English language are, “Skip Flash intro.” (November 20, 2010)
15. The corner store is selling “breakfast cookies.” The way I see it, all cookies are breakfast cookies if you have the right attitude. (January 23, 2011)
16. Twitter anatomy lesson: the unassuming little star button under every tweet is actually the twittoris. (January 28, 2011)
17. I just invented spankcakes! Yeah, you like that, don’t you? You’re a bad, naughty breakfast! I have batter on my penis. (February 5, 2011)
18. If you love something, let it go. Just like you’ve let everything you ever loved go, you idiot. (February 5, 2011)
19. Twitter is the Internet’s dirty whore mouth. (February 9, 2011)
20. Someone just told me I have a booger in my nose. I do have a booger in my nose. BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE I KEEP THEM. (March 1, 2011)
21. We need more atheist holidays. We should take time to celebrate the facts that there’s nothing to celebrate and that we like days off. (April 25, 2011)
22. I’m not just tweeting. I’m multitasturbating. (May 14, 2011)
23. Just cut myself, and it turns out I am not made of awesome after all. I am made of blood and screaming. (June 16, 2011)
24. What doesn’t kill me is still pretty fucking annoying. (June 16, 2011)
25. All the single lattes! All the single lattes! Now put your hands up! And just like that, I’ve been kicked out of another coffee shop. (June 28, 2011)
26. Constant Bliss, Humboldt Fog, Purple Haze. California cheeses all have pot names. (July 3, 2011)
27. My understanding was that we don’t have to wear pants after Memorial Day. (July 7, 2011)
28. People can be so generous. But I don’t think I’m actually hungry enough to eat a whole bag of dicks. (August 15, 2011)
29. God I hope you can’t herpes by reading someone’s timeline. (August 30, 2011)
30. If you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours, please stop standing outside my window. (October 23, 2011)
31. I’m a classy, sophisticated guy, so I spell it Herpès. (October 24, 2011)

As always, please star and retweet. Cash and pictures of yourself naked also accepted.

I admit I find it annoying that this was funnier when Funny One Liners repeated it than when I originally said it.

I guess I will never be one of the popular kids. The popular kids are always a bunch of stupid ostriches.

In fact, of course, kittens are more destructive than anything else.

Warpaint does a great Bowie cover.